Current troubles and future careers

Never, have I in my blog, wrote about my emotions before. But today i will. Today's blog will not have humour. It will tell my current feelings (mostly anger, worries and turmoil) towards myself and my future.

Today was a bad day. I knew it. I could predict days just like predicting the weather. It was a cloudy day, filled with dark clouds. I knew it was gonna be bad.

First, I am getting quite anxious about my MOE Pre-U scholarship application. Because MOE said the award of the scholarship will be in early May, and it's already mid May. The signs are not good for me, obviously. And then Zhuang asked me, what is the purpose of the scholarship, and I couldn't give him an answer? Afterall, my school fees are already covered by EESIS. Was it pride? Was it prestige? What was it for? To boast? **** it man. I dunno.

Secondly, I lost my water bottle. The black 500 ml water bottle from SCO which have stayed by my side for 4 years. I just lost it, and now I dun feel uncomfortable without it. Which makes me wonder, should I pursue a degree with an overseas university? Will I be able to part, for 3-4 years, with all my possessions, my home, my family, my friends? I dunno.

Thirdly, I got back physics test. OK I didnt fail the test itself. But i failed my personal expectations. I really thought I would own this test, because I found that I could do all the questions, and had about 10 min left to check through all my answers. But I didn't. I was careless, complacent and pure stupid. Maybe this is a good setback for me. It has humbled me deeply. Which made me think of my future career...

I made many careless mistakes. There were questions which required qualitative explanations, and I did not give elaborate answers. I was thinking in another dimension. Mixed signals. There was the v1 v2 question, which i though was quite tough, but I felt I did it right. Well, yes, I did it right. The method was correct. But I forgot the add in a square. Because I forgot to write a small little digit, 2, on the top right hand corner of the value, I got 2 marks deducted for nothing. For nothing. Which made me wonder, can I EVER be a good pilot? Perhaps not. Imagine if I were to pilot an A380, carrying a full payload of >500 passengers. Imagine, then, if I carelessly calculated the take-off weight wrongly. OMG. Air crash. Forgetting the square the value for physics test has resulted in 2 meagre marks being deucted. So what? But if pilots add some numbers wrongly, it will result in death. Death.

Today I sat on the top deck of the SBS bus on my way home. I felt in control, being in front of the entire bus. I felt like a captain of a vessel. I felt good, but when I thought about my mistakes, I realised, that perhaps, this dream of mine will never come true.

In 2 weeks time I will be returning to RI for a day to receive some small prizes. But now, looking at my results during the 5 months in JC, I feel disgraced. I wonder if I deserve any prize at all. I wonder if I will screw up my A levels, and then ruin my life ahead. I wonder if my presence there will disgrace fellow prize winners like Yeong Li Qian or Tan Juanhe. Oh man. I feel like **** now.

When I talked to my dad about careers, I asked him which job would fit me? Which job would enable me to truly make a difference? I dun want a job in an office doing financial stuff where you turn up looking as normal as 1.5 million others, wearing a tie and black pants and one colour long sleeved shirts and leather shoes, and then working rom 9-6. I dun want an ordinary job( although it may be important).

I know deep in his heart, my dad wants me to continue the work he has built up over the past 20 over years. He does accounts, and I know he wants me to study accounts also. Which I why I respect my dad a lot.He never forces you to do something he knows you dun wanna do. Which is why he respected my decision to do geog instead of econs when I made my decision last year. And I respect him for that.

I once said I will pursue a careers in 4 industries. It still is, and I will tell you why today:

1. Aviation- Do you know why I love planes more than anything? Because I love the sky. I wanna soar through the clouds. The modern jet is a miracle. The wright brothers have invented a miracle machine.

And why do I love commercial jets more than fighter jets? Because I hate violence. I hate war. I hate noise coming from shootings. And I will never be able to pilot a plane to drop bombs over others. Can you imagine how the pilot, Colonel Paul Tibberts, of the B-29, Enolga Gay, which dropped Little Boy over Hiroshima, must have felt at that time?

So why then do I love commercial jets carryong so many passengers? Because every single one of the passengers are on that plane for a reason. Some are returning home to see their families after years of studying abroad. Some are departing their home countries to seek a better life in a foreign country. Some are rushing home from overseas to see their dying father for the last time? Some are doctors rushing to another country to perform an emergency surgery for a dying patient. Some are patients going overseas to seek medical help from renowned doctors. Some are just returning home after a nice vacation. Some are businessmen rushing overseas to meet an important client whose signature on a dotted line would determine bankrupcy or prosperity. Without the plane, these people would never have the chance to all that. They would never been able to travel so easily and so purposefully.

Which is exactly why I wanna pilot the plane will be take people to places they want to be. And I wanna walk in the airport in the pilot uniform, with the dark coat and hat, looking cool and all.

"Singapore Changi airport Control tower, SQ 030 B777, requesting for landing, runway 02L."
"Permission to land, runway 02L, wind conditions 20km/h northeast."
"Roger. Landing. SQ030 landing runway 02L"
"I have control."
"Minimum"
"100"
"50"
"30"
"20"
"10"
"Landed"

2. Law- Have you ever seen people being seriously bullied for something they did not do? I am not talking about school bullying. Those are trivial and unimportant. I am talking about people who suffer injustice in society, people are suffer because they are bullied. I want to represent these people. Which is why, if I ever become a lawyer, I want to specialise in ligitation. I want to free the innocent. Ok, this sounds good, but is it really possible? Non. Nan des. No way. Bu ke nen. In law, cheating lawyers are as common as nitrogen molecules in air. And they stink. They cheat to win big bucks for their bald fat executive clients who pay them by the hour. And I wanna fight these useless lawyers and their faggot clients. How I wish I could be the prosecutor doing the TT Durai case. I am gonna serve some real justice. And I wanna walk out of the supreme court, with my client beside me, in a nice black suit and neat tie, announcing to the media that the innocent has been acquitted, and that justice have been served. How nice.

3. Academics- If I ever come a lecturer, I wanna be an outstanding one teaching geography. And I want to specialise in vulcanology and seismology. This is because I want to save lives. Nevado del Ruiz, Columbia. At around 9pm on November 13, 1985, the great volcano erupted, engulfing the nearby city of Armero with its powerful mudflows. 23000 people were buried alive. Only a few weeks earlier, scientists predicted the eruption of the volcano. somehow the report was shelved. Yet a simple evacuation could have saved thousands. On the ruins of Armero, volcanologists vowed "never again". I want to be part of the team that will study such hazards and save people from grave peril.

4. Public service- I want to serve the country and its people. Ok, maybe this job doesnt look as glamerous, but it is an important one.

So how? If I cant even pass the A levels, I can forget all about it all.

P.S. This is, I think, the first time I used vulgarities in my blog.


"We'll carry on." Note the hard work the video maker has put into making this video, it looks as though the lions were singing. Thanks to DrewTheWolf from YouTube.