Wrecked

After a day of thinking, talking to friends, discussing about life, arguing with my parents, listening to music, walking around in my small room, playing some guitar, looking out of the window, and staring into space, it is now time to write.

I have let down a lot of people. Teachers, yes. Friends, yes. Parents, yes. And most importantly, myself, yes.

Why and how did this happen, i know. I know exactly the reasons. I can only blame myself. Not any teachers. Not any lecturers. Not the heavens. Only myself.

Only I can say whether I did well or not. And i am saying right here, right now, that i did not do well. I did not perform to my capacity. I did not fufill my expectations. And this feeling sucks.

Who knows what I have been through? On the very first day of the week-long examinations, I return home, only to realise that I have defined ageism as ageing population. I held the dictionary in my hands, my feet shaking, my body trembling, my mind trying to stay calm. I knew i was in deep shit. There was no way i could pass my GP essay. I have let Ms Chan down deeply. I do not really know what her expectations for me were, but I was on form for my essays in term 3 and 4. And on that monday afternoon, I had lost it all.

I was heavily demoralised, but what was I to do? What was over was over, and I was to pay for my fatal mistake. It took a hell lot of resolve to get back into studying. If there was something I could learn from this experience, it was resolve and determination. It was picking yourself up after a setback and fighting hard again. I can tell you that although I may not be the toughest fighter out there, I may not be the smartest student, or the most hardworking, but having been exposed to so much shit since young, I am one of the most adaptable.

I felt that I have not reached my expectations of all my subjects. This is really disappointing. I think many people are feeling the same way about their respective marks.

What exactly went wrong?

Inadequate preparation, yes. I started studying 3 weeks before the start of promos. A fatal mistake. I had to read all the notes from scratch, because I had not been paying attention during tutorials and lectures. I slept in class. I talked in class. The 3 weeks were hardcore, but they were not enough. Consistency is far more important. I started far too late.

Like what KK said, many people spent too much time in front of the computer. I cannot agree more.

Complacency did also play a part. Especially for guys, whose egos are ususally bigger.

Ego. What a word. I admit that I indeed have a huge one. It is good, at times. It gives you self-confidence. It makes you walk straight, with your back straight, with your eyes looking up, not at your shoes. It gives you style. Posture. Charisma.

But it is also bad. Very bad. My geog teacher said, he doesnt want to give my essays any more marks for fear of inflating my ego. wth. But i shall accept it, as i have done so with all the shit my short life have presented to me so far.

I suddenly feel very tired. I do not feel like writing this piece anymore. When I make a comment, some people think that i am full of shit.

These people are immature. They havent seen half the world out there.

I only speak the truth. My comments, if you like it, fine. If you do not like it, fine too. I do not have to listen to these people.

Since young, when my dad brings me out to meet those old lawyer dudes and business people at those social parties, I have been listening. And I have been listening hard. And one evening with these people can change your perspective on life.

For me, they have. My outlook on life is therefore different from most teenage boys.

Why did the Greeks execute Socrates in 77BC?

If you know the answer, you will accept my words.

On this rainy evening of doom and gloom,
I fare you well upon a journey of hell.

I only have a message for my detractors:

I may be defeated, but I will be back.